I have been writing journal entries over here now.
you can too, if you register here...

The day before school started, Raya and I got coffee just as we did last year before the first day of school. So much has changed within that year, I think I am different, but chances are I am kidding to myself; I think I do that a lot these days, it is unfortunate. A year ago, I was so scared and nervous about what was in my future, everything was changing. Joe had started college and moved away, Alisha was about to move away, Brian moved away, I never really saw Mark much and things with Katie were shaky, I was shaky. Thankfully, Kaydie came in and cleaned up the mess of my life. I really appreciated that; without her, I do not know what I would have done. Joe and I were talking about this awhile back and he said: "We turned out okay, didn't we?" Did we? I hope so, I think I was more positive then, or maybe more happy. It truly tears me in half when people think that I am really mean and burdensome. I promise I am not, I guess the people that need convincing of that are not really my friends. I do not know, sometimes I cannot help but to think everyone has some extreme dislike for me, or they are out to get me. I know that is wrong because, after all, these people are my friends, aren't they?

Life is strange, but I still manage to love it; it takes the little things to show me how beautiful it actually is. The general consensus is that I fucked it up pretty hardcore over summer. As Joe had just mentioned, of course, these past few weeks have been better than all of this past summer. After all, Hello Destiny threw a rave. Speaking of Joe, he is been on this "Tis the Season" kick recently, which I guess is said to make me feel better about being lonely, but it is still weird. I think we all just want this fall to be better than this summer; the part of cake-maker is still up for grabs, if anyone wants it. Maybe it would be better if this fall was not an exact mirror of last fall, I am not sure; last fall was pretty good. It is raining right now, too...

Incidentally, I got an "A" on my first math test of the quarter, that makes me very happy, but I hope I don't sound stuck-up. Yesterday, my English teacher and I had a nice talk after class. We discussed many things, including: the celebrating of life through pizza and soda, the Art Institute renaissance that we are going to start and Elliott Smith along with Jeff Buckley (which seem to be popular topics these days). I really like her, as a teacher and a person, I think that is important; she likes good music, too!

My mom is constantly asking me what I want to do for my birthday, but I have no clue. Frankly, I do not want to think about my birthday, I will be 19 and that is scary; that just seems so, adult. I will feel awkward talking to people under 18, although, it is not like I talk to people of that age anymore anyway, but Liz (I think she is actually in her 20's, though). I think I need to work on my punctuation, I should also stick to the topic at hand. Birthday, I was thinking about throwing a little rave as we did for Julie's birthday, but I am not sure. Input? I just feel somewhat bad when people gather for me when they have other things to do, but it also makes me feel really warm inside. This happened to me when I was in the hospital last year. My close friends and family all came and visited me and I just felt so bad that they all took time away from the day to come and see me in such a vulnerable and painful state. However, I think they are the ones that made me get better, I love them, thank you. Anyways, I do not know what I want to do for my birthday. We should all gather soon and carve pumpkins, drink coffee (or hot chocolate), listen to music, be as one and enjoy company, maybe even watch the great pumpkin. Yeah, yeah?

Tis the season, so lets appear assured at all times, see no one as a rival, compliment those who deserve it, cooperate, please cooperate. Give yourself to someone each day, make a point with being happy with people, never cry over spilt milk. What's done is done just leave it alone and don't regret it. Lets not be lonely.








More to come,
Jeff Micklos

Dance you fucker. Don't look in the mirror
at the face you don't recog(s swrking round)nize.
Let me back, I made a big mistake!
(no time to say goodbye) (

iEnjoy yourselves! ))fiesta!
Step up, get the gunge in the head
                         get the eggs on the neck
                         get the flan in.her.face.
dance&fuckher.

Hey , do yourself a favor:
1_pack your bags
2_buy a ticket
3_get on the train
'cause this is fucked up
fuuckdd upp

So, I was at this party. Alll these boys are begging for this girl; reaching long to grab her clothes to pullll her in e.v.e.r.y direction andthrow some game that won't win. But, she's got a couple down (shootingshots lik witha gun) and I uhm,

I think she's gonna die. This girl, she's looking at me and starts to daannccee, but she cant dance yeahhh, it's allright.
I glance over then down at her drink. I think she's got the right idea.

 

( this has got to stop, this has got to lie down with someone else on top... )

my thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate [salliiivate twwiiiitch]
you should put me in a home or you should put me down,
I've slpt with who I likd,
that wsn''t my iintenntionn...

The light color in the room,
the sunshine seeping in
doesn't mix with the black of
death's angel looming in.
I've had enough of the brutal beatings
and name callings to lose me to this bed.
Bruised internally, eternally.
Your praise little gifts you spent your money
and stuffed me with didn't amount to anything.
The attention I need is much more serious,
a kind of weight you couldn't lift
even if your cheap career depended on it
I need someone much more
mysterious
to be my miss
to be my mistress

She kissed me!
And you moved away? What did you do to stop it?
You're right. I said, "Kiss me, baby-sweetie, kill the relationship with the person I care about more than anyone in the world, and make me miserable for the rest of my horrible life." That's what I said.

when someone makes you feel like you are just shit, they are not a friend.

you, like everyone else needs to feel important...
True love waits, are you a virgin? Every night we are haunted it paces up and down outside my room; it talks to me in its sleep. Its in the tape going round and round. It stops and starts the tape machine. Goes into record when it feels like it. Just let it happen. Just don't leave. Don't leave. It waits patiently.

Stepford wives, who are we to complain?
&The jeunesse dorée talk far too much, get to fucking.

Passing Stranger!

You do not know how longingly I look upon you,

You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream,)

I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,

All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,

You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,

I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only,

You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,

I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again, I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

Not sleeping okay,
Drinking too much (not I).
Trapped in hyperspace?
The girl disappeared,
Everything deserves a very slow double-take;
double-take;
It's not what you did, it's that you lied about it:
Swallowing, Spending, Fucking Europe's gilded youth.
Salutations, England to San Francisco!

 
   
(once like a spark)

if strangers meet
life begins-
not poor not rich
(only aware)
kind neither
nor cruel
(only complete)
i not not you
not possible;
only truthful
-truthfully,once
if strangers(who
deep our most are
selves)touch:
forever

(and so to dark)
   

like a spark)

I should have taken more classes over summer; I have entirely too much free time.

Whenever I try to be ironic, people think I'm serious--but every time I'm actually right about something, everyone assumes I'm crazy. Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth. If I ever get married, I'll live in constant fear that my wife will fall into the hands of sadistic kidnappers. I just know I'd be profoundly fucked if that ever happened. The authorities would never buy my story.

Sorry to get your hopes up, Kaydie...
I am in San Francisco, so more to come soon...

These past two days have been so perfect and beautiful. I love lunch:

I hope this coming summer will be somewhat similar these past two days:
grass, sandwiches, music, smoothies, adventures and "people I like."

spring is like a perhaps
Hand in a window
(carefully to
and fro moving New and
Old things,while
people stare carefully
moving a perhaps
fraction of flower here placing
an inch of air there)and

without breaking anything.

Recently, the TV show Saved by the Bell has been aired on Cartoon Network; this is a very nice way to spend my midnights. Today, Joe and I were talking about Hazzy moving away, and the people that have come and gone through our group; I brought up Saved by the Bell, a show that as a kid, I modeled my life after, because this show epitomized the high school experience, this kind of stuff happened everyday [you know, crazy antics and what not]. How do Hazz and Saved by the Bell connect? Here is how:

For half of the "senior year" at Bayside, Jessie and Kelly are completely part of the action, just as they'd been for the last three seasons. However, they're suddenly absent for twelve consecutive episodes, having been replaced by "Tori," and attractive, brassy brunette in a black leather jacket who displays elements of both their personalities [Kelly & Jessie]. Within moments of her arrival, Tori is completely absorbed into the Bayside; she's romantically pursued by Zack and Slater and generally behaves as if she has always been one of their closest friends. This lasts until the graduation episode, when Kelly and Jessie suddenly reappear as if nothing ever happened. Meanwhile, Tori does not appear at graduation and is not even mentioned.

On paper, this seems idiotic, borderline insulting, and-above all-unreal. But the more I think back on my life, the more I've come to realize that the "Tori Paradox" might be the only element of Saved by the Bell that actually happened to me. Whenever I try to remember my friends from high school,[or] friends from college[year]...my memory always creates the illusion that we were together constantly,just like those kids from Saved by the Bell. However, this was almost never the case. Whenever I seriously piece together my past, I inevitably uncover long stretches where somebody who (retrospectively) seemed among my closest companions simply wasn't around.

The "Tori Paradox" was a lazy way for NBC to avoid thinking, but nobody watching at home blinked; it was openly ridiculous, but latently plausible. That's why the "Tori Paradox" made sense, and why it illustrated a greater paradox that matters even more: Saved by the Bell wasn't real, but neither is most of reality.

Coming and going is more normal than it should be...